Monday, January 31, 2011

Boogers, Boobs and Baby

Things I've learned as a new mom:

Suddenly, I've grown two more arms.
I can text, use a remote control, throw Lola her ball and feed baby all at the same time.
I'm superwoman.

Gone are the days of sleeping in until noon.
Who am I kidding? Gone are the days of sleeping in until 5.

Hubby and and I haven't spent any alone time together in 2 months.
But I feel closer to him than I ever have.

I miss my pregnant belly.
It was uber nice letting my gut hang out. And looking cute.

I don't miss sweating and hyperventilating walking from my couch to the bathroom 10 feet away.
And having to do so 78 times a day.
That was my excercise while I was pregnant.

A 7 pound baby poops 7 pounds in one day. And still gains weight. It's a mystery.

Nothing goes the way you thought it would. Avery was going to sleep in his crib from day one. Bwahahahaha. Not.

The dog will ask to go outside the second your hands are full with baby. Every. Single. Time.

My life revolves around the boob. The boob and the baby. And when I say "the boob," I'm referring to my milk making factories, not Danny.

I've mastered the art of sleepwalking. And sleepfeeding. And sleepburping and sleepchanging.

Pee and puke are projectile. So is poop.

My daily nemesis is baby boogers.

Everything is funny when you're sleep deprived. Which sounds delightful. However, after having a baby laughing, sneezing and coughing can be dangerous.

You don't have to let yourself go when you've had a baby. Instead of being a hot housewife, now I'm a MILF.

Now, instead of taking a million pictures of Lola, I take two million pictures of Avery.

Being a mom is the best job in the world. (Gag, but it's true.) Whenever I feel stretched thin, Avery gives me his special grin, and I'm on cloud 9.

I never believed in love at first sight.
And then I saw Avery.
Yeah, I totally get it.